Present the case

"Present the case." said the specialist as he stood by the patient's bedside, staring at me.

Yes, I was the junior house officer who reviewed the case this morning, and yes, I am supposed to present.  So I did, with my heart pounding inside. "This is a 48 year old gentlemen, came in yesterday with....bla bla bla.  I opened up the patient's case notes, trying to look for my review this morning, but suddenly the file was grabbed by the specialist. I was stunned.  Speechless. 

"You reviewed the patient this morning right? Why do you need to look at the case note? You should remember what you reviewed!", said the specialist while staring angrily at me. 

Another senior houseman chimed in, trying to help me in the situation by presenting the case too, as she knew well about the case. 

"Did I ask you to present?" ask the specialist to the senior house officer. The senior house officer kept quiet and looked down and looked at me, signalling me to continue presenting. 

"Houseman nowadays ah, I don't know what you all doing in the ward all day.  Case also cannot remember. You JPA scholar right?  Wasting the government's money to send you to study lah.  Better give to others.  Coming to work with designer bag and shoes only, but useless." lectured the specialist before he gave me look of disgust, and left. 

That was an edited conversation and situation which a house officer can experience during housemanship training in hospital.  It is based on my personal experience, but not exactly the real situation. 

I was working in a town where I had no family members with whom I can share my feelings with.  So, that day, I went back home in shame, all alone.  I did what every normal human being would, I broke down into tears, and cried my heart out and go to sleep.  I woke up the next day, and start my routine again, at work. 

It sure did hurt inside, but I learned not to take it too much to heart.  I try to work better, improve my skills.  And after new juniors came in, the focus was no longer on me.  When I entered my second posting, it was worse.  Well, I will never forget the medical officer who screamed at me, very un-sweet for a person whose name is 'Sweet'. Haha..  

Anyway, those unpleasent times which were filled with yelling, screaming, ridicule, sarcastic comments, looks of disgust, and the word "Useless", did teach me to be tough though.  It taught me to not take things too personally.  I always think and try to understand, "Maybe he or she is stressed in some other way, at home or personal issues that cause such pain in them, that they had to pass it down to others."  Then I would move on and keep smiling.  

By the way, I was scolded once for smiling by the 'sweet' medical officer.  As though I have no remorse in me after being scolded. I thought to myself. "What? You will only be satisfied if I am show the remorse look on my face?"  Such an unhealthy environment.  I brushed it off my shoulders, and look forward to things that never judge me : FOOD. 

Yes, food.  I always had really heavy lunch, and after work I would buy 2 slices of Secret Recipe cakes, when I was in that certain department.  When STRESSED, find DESSERTS. Really works. 

And thanks to the very active lifestyle of a house officer, I did not gain weight.

In all those difficult moment I had to face, I did question God, "Why did You let me go through all this? Why would You let me work in a place where I even need to work on a Sunday? How to go to church? How to serve? I long to sing for You!" 

Then in the corner of my heart, an answer rose, "God is everywhere. You don't have to go to church to find Him. He is here."  I cried and cried.  I felt that God was telling me to just bear with it, continue to be patient.  And so I did. 

When ever I had the chance to get Sunday off, I would attend the nearest church.  And that was only once in a 2-3 months.  After two years, I finished. Phew!

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I believe every job has its difficulty, especially involving human to human relationships, because every person in this world is different. Even our thumbprints differ! 

So, if you're experiencing difficulty right now, just be patient, and remember these verses :

 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29 : 11